I want to win...

I have come to the realization that I let my anxiety win every fight without even trying. I feel the hot tingly feeling in my chest as I am typing this. Life stress and family drama get the best of me. Especially around Christmas time. I just want to live my life to the fullest and love my family and friends with all that I have. But this darkness in my brain holds onto whatever it can. Some slips through and for a brief moment, I feel...well I FEEL...

https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety/anxiety-and-depression.aspx

I make everyone else's problems my own. I feel obligated to be upset when they are upset...or mad when they are mad. I can tell them to not include me in the situation. But then I obsess thinking about it. I feel like something is wrong. I have an uncontrollable urge to reach out and have them fill me in. Sometimes my intuition is right. But most of the time its not and its like I am feeding the darkness because its asking me to. Like a begging dog. It prays on my weakness and I give it whatever is left on my plate. But why should I do that...why can't I just focus on the here and now. I want to engage with people...I always catch myself disassociating when people are talking to me. I don't remember what they said...hell I don't even know if I heard them. I see the back of my head. Like an orchestra conductor...having each section make some noise. Reminding me that there are things to worry about. We don't have time to listen to someone. To learn anything. To finish anything. TO FEEL ANYTHING. Just listen to this noise we are making. We promise its will help.

I'm stuck...why don't I want this bad enough?

I feel silly telling people that I have anxiety. I usually use half truths when talking about it. Its irrational and I know it is. I know they will think so and tell me that. But that doesn't stop the darkness from flowing through my body. I feel paralyzed. I lose my appetite. I cry and cry. I worry and dread. CONSTANTLY. Sometimes I don't even know what I am worried about. I just feel like something bad will happen. I kind of feel attacked when someone calls to vent. Like how dare you put that on me. Even though its not about me...has nothing to do with me...wont effect me in anyway shape or form. I have to constantly remind myself, this isn't about you. I shouldn't call my mom and tell her how much anxiety I am having about the situation shes in. But I do...shes the only person that makes me feel better and safe. What a fucking mess. I should be strong and tell her everything will be okay. Instead...I make her, make me feel better.

This is more then just anxiety or nervousness. This is something that has taken over my whole life. I remember when it started...clear as day. I remember every bad thing that has happened to me and I can't remember anything good. I feel betrayed by my brain. Shouldn't we be one in the same. I truly lie awake at night thinking about stuff that is going on in my life and make up scenarios as if they actually happened. I drive down the road and think how nice it would be to crash...not to die. But to be able to not worry about anything else but me in that moment. Maybe have people focus on me.

I have never thought seriously about suicide. I think about it generally...wondering how bad that person was feeling to take their own life. I refuse to ever get that bad. I refuse to let the little things in life take me to that thought. I refuse. I know that is not an answer...I know there is relief out there. I just need to get up and find it. Travel those fearful roads to get there. Hear and feel clarity. Realize whats actually important in this world. I am more then an empty shell. I have love to offer. I have words to share. I have talents to uncover. I have a life I want to live and I have people who need me to share it with them.

I want to feel again. I want to love again. I want to be strong...like my Mother. What a bad ass.